As a society, we have not had much experience in transforming marriage relationships into high quality co-parenting relationships or former spouse relationships. Historically, (before 1940 or so) most marriages ended because a spouse died. Life expectancy in 1850 was only 40 years. The average length of a marriage was only 10 years. The former spouse was not available to negotiate child support or division of assets.

Also, our communities are generally based on the nuclear family (Mom, Dad, and the kids). Living in this type of family requires a certain level of communication and parenting skills. At the same time, much of the basics of living in this 'first marriage family' are taken care of for us. While being a superb communicator or an extra-ordinary parent can be important qualities, we can also get by being just average. Not so in the separating and divorced family. It is much easier to communicate and parent effectively with someone we love and live with, than with a former spouse in another household. Yet our children need us to be the very best we can be in order to protect them from the risks that separation and divorce can bring. Even when children are not present, poorly resolved separations can continue to create pain and turmoil for former spouses long after the papers have been signed.

PIONEERING CAN BE DIFFICULT

Dealing with Grief and Loss

Grief and loss may be challenges you face as the separation becomes a reality. A divorce coach can assist you to get back on your feet. Your grief process may go on for some time, however, a divorce coach can assist you to articulate how you feel and to make necessary decisions as the separation process unfolds. You may not be able to control your spouse, but you are in control of how you respond to the situation. Equally, your children will need your time and attention no matter how badly you feel. If your spouse is experiencing intense grief, a divorce coach can assist you to respond in the most effective way to the situation. The more overwhelmed your spouse, the more a divorce coach can assist you to communicate with your spouse or to address your children's needs.

Developing Communication and Extra-ordinary Parenting Skills

Going through a separation and divorce necessitates discussing many issues that do not arise in the nuclear family. Also, children are more sensitive to conflict. Therefore, the margin of error in communication and parenting in a separated family is much smaller than in a first-marriage family. Dividing assets and sharing parenting are not easy topics to address. You may need to up-grade your communication and parenting skills in order to do this effectively through your separation and into your post-divorce family. In order to do the best job you can, a divorce coach can assist you to understand all facets of the issue, to clearly articulate your view, and to communicate effectively with your spouse and your children, even concerning difficult or painful topics.

© Susan Gamache, Ph.D., R. Psych. Individual, Marital, Family Therapy Hycroft Medical Centre, #217, 3195 Granville St., Vancouver, B.C., V6H 3K2. (604) 228-1774