Collaborative Divorce - The Process: an exploration

As we have discussed in other sections of this site, Collaborative Divorce is a new interdisciplinary team process that is developing to assist, in the resolution of disputes arising out of divorce, separation, child custody & access, maintenance, and asset division.

In coming to an understanding of the theory behind the Collaborative Divorce Process we must first explore our background beliefs and attitudes we all hold about conflict - what is is, how it arises, and how we respond to it.

Beliefs About Conflict

"Winners have the
ability to step back
from the canvas
of their lives like
an artist gaining
perspective. They
make their lives
a work of art -
an individual
masterpiece."
Denis Waitley

Conflicts mark the frontiers, the places where we weaken and divide. Conflicts probe our innermost natures; they provoke cruelty and compassion, competition and collaboration, revenge and reconciliation.

We all have developed different ways of thinking about conflict. These attitudes affect the way we relate to people around us, determine how we respond when we feel under attack or threatened, and generate our perceptions of the world we live in and the people to whom we relate.

Quite often these notions were formed when we were very young and over time we developed patterns of behaviour based upon these beliefs. These patterns then became habits and formed a paradigm or framework through which we began to view the world. Part of this paradigm is the way in which we view conflict. We continue to act automatically in accord with this world view, regardless of how effective it is. Often we are not even aware that we have formed these patterns and developed this world view.

We have become caught in a cycle of beliefs, leading to perceptions, leading to habits of behavior, leading to styles of conflict resolution which elicit responses from others, which lead to a reinforcement of our original beliefs and attitudes. This process continues with an intensification of our perceptions about how the world works, leading to habits of behaviour ... and so on until the patterns and habits become so firmly planted in our subconscious that we are virtually unaware of the process and these patterns become an indelible part of our paradigm or mind-set.

Styles of Conflict

"You cannot
simultaneously
prevent and
prepare for war."
Albert Einstein

While there are a variety of different methods of dealing with conflict, in general, they all fall into one of two very different approaches. One point of view is known as the adversarial style and the other is referred to as the cooperative or collaborative style. The method we choose creates an environment within which our interaction with others takes place and that environment leads to differing responses from others.

If our approach is adversarial in nature, it is often the result of a need for power and the environment created tends to be low in trust. This often leads the other person to become defensive, rigid and adversarial as well, thus exacerbating the situation. This style will sometimes be effective and this reinforces our belief that our method of dealing with conflict is successful. However, there are many times that our habitual behaviors will provoke unwanted responses from others and leave us confused and dissatisfied with the outcome.

When we notice this happening it is an opportunity for us to review our behaviour, the beliefs upon which this behaviour is based, and to choose whether we wish to change our ways of thinking. If we choose change we refer to this as a "paradigm" shift.

Basis of the Collaborative Attitude

"People seem not to see
that their opinion of
the world is also a
confession of
character."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Collaborative Divorce Process is based upon the belief that while conflict is inevitable in a changing world, and is, in fact, part of an ongoing cycle of change, it is best to establish a cooperative approach to conflict resolution.

If our approach is cooperative or collaborative the environment often becomes more peaceful and comfortable, allowing the other party to be more open and flexible, and leading to a greater willingness to resolve the conflict.

The underlying assumption of this process is that the relationship between people is affected positively or negatively by the quality of their interactions and the cooperative or collaborative approach improves the quality of those interactions. Many conflicts that are left unresolved can be resolved by the collaborative approach.

The collaborative approach to conflict aims to improve relationships by increasing understanding between individuals and diminishing the tension between them. It seeks to find solutions to problems which benefit both parties and aspires to provide each person with a positive experience of conflict resolution.

Continue on to a discussion of Positions and Interests