Each system that we use to deal with conflict is based on an implicit set of assumptions about who we are, how others relate to us, how safe we feel in the world, what our self-image is and other similar beliefs. These form what I am calling the "paradigm" or model that we hold about how the world works.


The Adversarial Paradigm

By choosing the adversarial model or paradigm we are implicitly stating that we believe the world is a dangerous place and we will be crushed, defeated, or destroyed if we don't defend ourselves from others who want to do us harm. This often leads to an aggressive posture before there is any explicit "danger". It is sort of the reverse of the "Golden Rule" and might be stated as "do unto others before they do unto you". The types of behaviour this elicits are judgmental, aggressive or defensive, and positional.


The Collaborative Paradigm

"What is objectionable, what is dangerous, about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents." Robert Kennedy

The Collaborative Process or paradigm is based on another set of implicit assumptions about which behaviours work best to resolve conflict. This process recognizes that conflict is expected as as normal part of human interaction and is not, in and of itself, good or bad. It is how we respond to conflict which leads to desireable or undesireable results.

The Collaborative model asserts that it is best to establish a cooperative approach to conflict resolution before an adversarial pattern has developed. If adversarial positions have already been established it is better to set those positions aside at least long enough to determine if a more cooperative approach will work. Rather than focusing on the parties' positions the Collaborative model focuses on their interests.

The following is a table indicating the difference in the assumptions behind the two models of dealing with conflict - the Adversarial model and the Collaborative model.

THE PARADIGM SHIFT

The shift is from the Adversarial on the left to Collaborative on the right
Adversarial	Collaborative
Postions	Interests
Win / Lose I win! You lose!	Win / Win Both our needs are satisfied!
This or That We both can't be satisfied	This and That. Both our interests can be met.
Right / Wrong My way is right and yours is wrong!	Different We each have different perceptions of this issue.
Defensive / Agressive I am not safe and must defend myself or attack you.	Empathic / Assertive I understand what you want. I also have needs.
Judgment / Blaming You caused this mess and must be punished!	Curiosity / Compassion What are you feeling. I am prepared to listen.
You vs. Me We are enemies.	You & I vs. The Problem We have a common problem which needs to be solved.
Dividing the (limited) Pie I must get as much as possible or I won't have enough.	Expanding the Pie. Finding new opportunities and possibilities.
Power Over Domination - I must prove I am stonger than you are.	Empowerment I get stronger by making you stronger.